The Ultimate Sass-Off
by BalletBookworm
Summary: It has always been debatable who was sassier: Percy or Leo. But when they think it's time to decide, the entire Seven participate in The Ultimate Sass-Off! Join us to decide who is truly the sassiest of them all. Vote for your favorite character today! Warning: Horrible puns, characters sassing each other, and many jokes. Rated K for mass sassiness. Don't own PJO or cover image.
1. The Sassiest Prologue Ever

**A/N: This is a horrible prologue, meant to lead right into the first chapter. I hope you enjoy it, but it's really only written for fun. Happy Holidays!**

**The Sassiest Prologue Ever**

I, the narrator and controller of this entire story, sat back in my chair. My work was done. As the writer, who was also me, could not think of a good start to this story, I had simply written this beginning as an explanation and substitute. I had given a small idea to the minds of our sassiest characters, Percy "Persassy" Jackson and Leo "no sassy pun nickname yet" Valdez. This fabulous idea that will soon grow to include the entire cast of the Heroes of Olympus- was that it would be a perfectly reasonable idea to decide who the sassiest of the two of them. Now, all you have to do, dear reader, is sit back and relax while we enjoy the show.

Make some popcorn if you like. I'll wait. Done? Perfect. Let the Ultimate Sass-Off begin...


	2. A Challenge

**Chapter 1: A Challenge**

It was a beautiful Tuesday at Camp Half-Blood. The sky was blue, as usual, and all campers were congregated in the mess hall for lunch.

Leo suddenly walked up to Percy, on the urge that the narrator had given him. He produced a scroll and brandished it in front of Percy's face.

"By non-royal, suburban degree of the writer," he proclaimed in an affected accent sparking with sassiness, "I, Leo Valdez of Houston, Texas, challenge thee, Perseus Jackson of New York, New York to a contest that shall decide which of us, the two most beloved by fangirls, is the sassiest. The aforementioned contest will take place in a day's time at noon in the amphitheatre. The whole camp may attend if they wish."

"Um… okay," Percy replied. "But… uh… what exactly do you mean?"

"Percy, the gist of it is that this "writer" person thinks that we are equally sassy and need to compete to see who is the sassiest," Leo sighed.

"Oh, I think it's obvious that I am the sassiest. I mean-" he stopped short, apparently listening to something. "What's that?" He turned to Leo. "According to "the writer," the fangirls call me Persassy. Well, there you have it Leo, I am THE SASSIEST OF THEM ALL!"

"Aquaman, no one can compete with yours truly, the Super-sized McShizzle. Bro, I am the emperor of snarkiness, the prince of sarcasm, THE KING OF SASSY!"

Annabeth noticed the commotion from her seat and stalked up to the two boys.

"Guys, what's going on?" she said, raising an eyebrow. "Is there something I should know about?"

"Well… um…" Percy shifted, glancing at Leo. "There's this "Writer" person who thinks that me and Leo-"

"Leo and I," Annabeth corrected with a smirk.

"Leo and I need to have a competition to decide who is the sassiest. Which is obviously me, right Annabeth?" he replied.

"I've heard about these "Writer" people. They write about make-believe situations that feature us. So really, all of this is just a dream in their mind…" she trailed off.

"But Annabeth, you're gonna help us get this organized, right?" Leo asked.

"Maybe. But I think we should notify everyone, don't you? And maybe the rest of the Seven could join us. I'm sure we'd all enjoy sassing each other."

"But Jason and Frank and Hazel and Piper are all in New Rome!" Leo whined. "How are they gonna make it here in time?"

"Simple. We move the date back a bit. Does three days from now work?"

"Sure, Annabeth. I guess everyone can be in it. But how do we decide a winner?" Percy asked.

"Leave that to me," Annabeth smirked. "Now I'm going to go IM all of the people in New Rome. Maybe Reyna will come, too." She planted a kiss on Percy's cheek and walked away.

**Wassup Line Break**

"Oh Iris, goddess of the rainbow, show me Jason at Camp Jupiter," Annabeth said, tossing a drachma into the mist. Jason shimmered into existence. He was discussing plans for a new temple with two Roman builders, with his back to her.

"Hey Jason," she alerted him to her presence.

He jumped and turned around, reaching for his weapon, but relaxed when he saw it was just Annabeth.

"Annabeth! Has something happened? Everyone's okay, right?" Jason questioned her.

"Everyone is fine," she replied. "But Percy and Leo have this weird idea that they need to decide who is sassier. I think that a Writer did this to them. We can't change their minds, so we have to humor them. I was wondering if you- and all of the Seven, really- wanted to participate. If you come, it'll be on Saturday at noon. Are you going to come?"

"Um… sure, I guess. But I need to arrange transportation for all of us. And we need time to prepare!" he said, worried.

"Don't worry, Jason. I'm sure you'll have plenty of time. So Saturday, amphitheatre, noon?"

"Okay. I'll IM you when we're leaving."

"Alright. Sounds good, Jason. I'll see you then!" Annabeth smiled and swiped her hand through the mist. She walked back to the tables, already brainstorming sassy lines.

**A/N: How was it? Did you like it? Tell me in a review! This was a revised version, as the first one came out in weird code. Anyway, happy holidays!**


	3. Flight Frights

**I do not own PJO or HoO, capisce? **

**WARNING: Piper is the only sane one in this chapter.**

**Ch 2: Flight Frights**

Piper looked up from the book she was reading. Jason was standing there, looking excited.

"Hey Pipes! Guess what- we're going back to Camp Half-Blood!" he said.

"That's not unusual, Jason. We go back and forth all the time, remember?" Piper replied, getting up.

"Yeah, I know," Jason was gesturing, quite over-excitedly. "But this is special. Percy and Leo were infected by a Writer, and now they want to see who is the sassiest. It was originally just them, but then Annabeth decided that all of the seven should be in it."

"Um… okay…" she said. "But why are you so excited? Isn't being infected by a Writer a _bad_ thing?"

"Well, sort of, I guess." Jason shifted around a bit. "But I thought that because we can't stop them from doing it, we might as well get excited about it. What do we have to lose?"

"Alright then! Let's go. I suppose it'll be fun, and it's been a while since we've seen the others," Piper started to get excited.

"Okay, let's go tell Hazel! After that, we'll find Frank, and then ask Reyna if she wants to come and watch," Jason said, grabbing Piper's hand and leading her away. Piper stared in dismay as her book fell on a bench.

**Line break line break liney liney line break**

"Hazel?" Jason called out. "Guess what? We're going back to Camp Half-Blood! And this time you're coming too!"

Hazel walked out from the armory, brushing herself off. "Why? What's going on?"

Piper cut in. "Apparently, Leo and Percy want to decide who's sassier. They were infected by a Writer, and Annabeth decided it was best to humor them and all of the Seven are participating. Jason's- er- very excited." Beside her, Jason had a huge grin on his face and was bouncing on his toes.

"Okay, they both make weird jokes, but why do we have to join in?" Hazel asked. "I'm not really a fan of that kind of thing… and what's a Writer?"

"Well, Writers are these people who write stories about us. And we can't stop Percy and Leo, so why not join them?" Piper replied.

"Alright. I guess it can't hurt to try. Are we going to get Frank now?" Hazel replied.

"Yeah, and maybe Reyna will come too!" Jason started walking cheerfully towards the Principia.

**Ooh look at me I'm another line break**

Frank was working quietly. All was well in his world.

Suddenly, Jason appeared in front of him, yelling "Frank!"

Startled, he jumped up. "Jason? What's up? Do you need us to look at more blueprints or something, because that's more Annabeth's department…"

"No! We're going to Camp Half-Blood! And all of the seven are coming, so that includes you!" Jason was, once again, beaming wildly and bouncing on his toes.

"But why?" Frank looked befuddled as to why he would have to come. " I mean, I'm all for going to Camp Half-Blood, but what's the reason for all of us going?"

"Well, Leo and Percy were infected by a Writer. They now want to see who is sassier. Because we can't change their minds, Annabeth figured we might as well participate," Piper said. At this point, she was the only calm one. Hazel was starting to panic, and had already gotten out a notebook to start writing comebacks and jokes.

"Okay. I'll come. Reyna? You should come too!" Frank said.

"I'm sorry, but I can't. We can't leave New Rome without at least one praetor in a time of peace. But you go, Frank. Have fun," she replied. Then Reyna leaned in. "And investigate Jason, will you? He looks an awful lot like hyper!Jason and nobody wins in that."

"Alright, troops! File in! We're going on a flight!" Jason was still quite- well, _sparky_, so Piper took the lead.

"There is someone willing to take us in New Rome, right Jason?" Jason nodded. "We've flown with him before," she said, this time to the others. The whole group started to follow Jason and Piper.

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~LINE BREAK HELLO~~~~~~~~~~~~**

As they sat down on the plane's seats, Frank spoke up. "So… how long is this going to take?"

"Um… maybe about a day? Five hours? I'm not really sure," Piper replied.

"Well, while we're waiting," he whispered conspiratorially, "Do you mind if I check out Jason? He seems to be hyper!Jason."

Piper nodded. She had noticed this too, and had been wondering if her boyfriend needed a dose of In Characterness. Frank walked away and started asking Jason simple questions to test if he was In Character. Soon, he came back with a grim look on his face.

"Bad news. Jason is hyper!Jason. When we get to camp, they should have some In Character medicine, but…"

"But the Writer might have made us all Out Of Character. Well, once they get started, you can't stop them. I suppose we'll try anyway. Thanks, Frank," Piper responded dejectedly. Sighing, she whipped out a notebook along with everyone else. Procuring a pencil, Piper started picking her brain-

"Wait, Writer," she stood up, "are you using alliteration on me? Stop! I have about five hours on a plane and I'm not going to spend it alliterating! Leave. Now, if you please. This isn't _Mr. Popper's Penguins_. Piper sat down with a huff, while the aforementioned Writer decided to leave the characters alone for a bit.

**A/N: So this was just a filler chapter. Also, by hyper!Jason I meant more overexcited!Jason, but hyper sounds better. OH, and forgive me for any plot holes.**

**Was it good? Bad? Tell me in a review! Ya' know, I was going to keep the characters in character, but then I realized this fic wouldn't be good without OOC characters. So far we have one vote for Percy and one for Leo... even though the actual competition hasn't started yet. So, send in your votes (They can be for other characters) and review! **

**REVIEW REPLIES:**

**Catsrawesome: LEO VALSASSY IS COOL and that was not terrible, bro. That was ! AND I UPDATED FOR YOU XD**

**Life In The Fandom: Thank you very much!**

**LOL (Guest): OKAY I UPDATED**

**SilverSeaweedBrains: You are not lame. You are cool. AND YOU WERE THE FIRST REVIEW YAY THANK YOU**


	4. This is How We Judge

**Um, no. I am most definitely not Uncle Rick.**

**WARNING: RULES AHEAD!**

**Chapter 3: This is How We Judge**

Looking up at the sky, Hazel stepped out of the plane and onto the ground, assisted by Frank. Unfortunately, she had to get right into a camp van after catching her breath. For a moment, she stared at the man driving. He had bright blue eyes all over his body, and gestured for her to get in.

As Hazel stepped in, Piper whispered to her. "That's Argus. He, um, doesn't really talk." Hazel nodded and sat down, almost too tired to care. Groaning, she laid her head on her boyfriend's shoulder and tried to sleep.

Hazel shifted around for a bit before she could get comfortable, and finally decided to get out her notebook yet again and start writing. She thought about situations in which she would need to be sassy, and finally drifted off to sleep while doing so.

**Wooo first line break of the chapter**

Jason, Frank, Piper, and Hazel herself stepped out of the large van. Drowsily walking past Thalia's tree, they were greeted by many of the campers.

"Hey!"

"What's up?"

"Wanna come to a party later?"

"Wow! Romans!"

After a while of the jostling, Argus pushed through the crowd and brought them to the cabins. Annabeth had come out from the Athena cabin, and told them to come to a meeting in Bunker Nine.

"Come on, I'll show you where it is," she said to Frank and Hazel. Leading them through the woods, Annabeth pushed away a slab of rock that opened to a large workshop. They were instantly greeted by Leo, Percy, and surprisingly, Nico.

"Okay, everyone, shush. I'm going to make this quick, since those four-" she gestured towards the travelers, "Just flew in from California and are obviously tired. So, Nico, you know what to do," Annabeth took control.

"Right," Nico said, shifting towards the center of the room. "I'm going to explain the rules. This is how this "Sass-Off" thing is gonna work."

"SASS-OFF! SASS-OFF! SASS-OFF!" Leo and Percy chanted, still infected by the Writer. Annabeth quickly calmed them down and motioned at Nico to continue.

"We're going to have a sort of round-y playoff-y thingy. The starting pairs will be: Piper vs. Hazel, Percy vs. Frank, Jason vs. Annabeth, and Leo will play in the next round because Annabeth said so," Nico listed the pairs, looking at a clipboard with notes on it.

"Hey! Why do I have to sit out?" Leo complained to Annabeth.

"Because I said so, Leo!" Annabeth replied.

"Oh, and here's the bonus," Nico broke in, "the final winner gets to play me!" There was some dissent at this, but the group simmered down. "And I'm the referee."

"Annabeth!" Percy whined. "Why is Nico reffing?"

"Again, because I said so! And he does have an impartiality that will be important," she said.

"But I'm "not his type,"" Percy pointed out.

"Gods, Percy, get over it! Please?" Nico retaliated. Bickering broke out. Eventually, everybody calmed down and resumed sitting quietly. Hazel peered around at her friends, pondering why they were sitting "criss-cross applesauce" in a circle.

Annabeth stood up. "Okay. I'm going to recap for everyone. This will be by rounds. Nico will ref, and the final winner will go against him," she reviewed for the group.

"Wait, one last question," Piper replied. "How do we decide who wins?"

"Oh! Right. We're going to knock down the fourth wall and have the readers vote," Annabeth said.

"Wasn't the fourth wall down already?" Frank asked.

"Well, I suppose," she mused, "but I'm just informing the reviewer who asked."

"Wait. The fourth wall's been down all this time?" Percy looked astonished.

"Yeah, Seaweed Brain. You were just too focused on the sass-off to notice," she replied. "So. Is everybody clear?

"There were murmurs of agreement, and everybody departed.

**Last line break of the chapter yaaaay**

Nico walked Hazel to their cabin. She had been too tired to say a word all through the meeting, and just laid down after hanging up a sheet between Nico and herself.

Falling asleep, Hazel wondered why the author hadn't really found a way to make this chapter funny or long.

**A/N: Sorry for this short chapter. I needed one of the chapters to explain the rules, and I didn't want to write the first battle in this too. Also, quick side note that each chapter will be a round (i. e. next chapter will be Hazel vs. Piper). Also THANKS FOR ALL THE REVIEWS YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST!**

_**Review replies:**_

**_hoOPJO:_**** Thanks! I try to be funny, but it doesn't always work... -_- And I can't PM because Interwebs safety, but feel free to leave an idea in a review!**

**_heartofglass99: _****Glad you enjoyed it. And I updated (Obviously) :)**

**_smilesandrainbows: _****Thank you! And the incorporation of the real world was actually kind of random, I just randomly put it in.**

_**RiderPhantomhive:**_** I hope it'll be good. I was gonna have Nico be the ref anyway, but I added in his bonus round just for you. And Leo Sassez? Fabulous. Maybe I'll start a poll to see what his official nickname will be...**

_**catsrawesome:**_** Of course I would update for you! And yeah. I didn't know your gender, but I call everybody bro/bruh. Hope you weren't offended. AND GO SASSINESS YAAAASS**

_**kumquat42: **_**So I hope this chapter answered your question, but if not, the fourth wall is officially knocked down. And you can come to me anytime with your ramblings, I'll listen! And thanks!**

**_Katherington:_**** Thanks!**

**reynaramirez55 (Guest): Thanks! I'm continuing, as you can see...**

_**BellatrixHazelRose: **_**Thanks! I brought you more story yay! And that would be cool, but we have to see what the votes come down to...**


	5. AUTHOR'S NOTE, PLEASE READ

**Hey guys. Super sorry this isn't a chapter. Also, I apologize for not updating, but I have had no time and no inspiration. Any ideas? Leave them in a review! **

**So anyway, my real news is that I will not be on Fanfiction for the next six weeks. I am Catholic and I'm giving up for Lent. I'll still be writing, so hopefully I'll have some new chapters in April, but for right now I'll be off.**

**If you want a sneak peek at other stories I'm writing while I deal with Writer's Block for this, there's a list below. All titles subject to change.**

**Familiar Faces: **A PJO high school AU. Piper and her best friend Leo have just transferred to Pine Tree High. When they arrive, they find out that a new exchange program between rivaling schools is going on, and the new kid from Jupiter Academy is all anyone's talking about. Piper falls in love unexpectedly, and must find a way to convince her friends Jupiter Academy isn't all that bad. Jiper-centric.

**The Unprepared Empress: **Hylla is the heir to Rome. Suddenly, she runs off, scared of the pressure. She joins the warrior clan of the Amazons, leaving Reyna to govern the country. Follow Reyna as she deals with love, leadership, and the oncoming war from Tartarus, the country of monsters.

**Under Attack:** A Frazel-centric story in the same U-verse as The Unprepared Empress. Hazel is a former lady, exiled for practicing witchcraft. Frank is a clumsy soldier, trying to help in the war effort. Neither ever thought they were a likely pair, but one certain prince named Percy proves them wrong. With the war raging around them, Frank and Hazel must find a way to be together- and of course, there is the small issue of not getting killed.

**There are some others, but those are my main PJO ones. There will be some Doctor Who coming too.**

**Again, so sorry about not updating, but take this explanation as a peace offering. Thanks!**

**-BalletBookworm**


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